Nearly another mother’s day

Hi Mum,

How are you?

It’s nearly another Mother’s Day. I keep wondering when this time of year will get easier..

I’m not sure whether it will!

There is just Mum stuff everywhere and everyone talking about what they are getting for their Mums.

Don’t get me wrong, I know I’m not the only one in this boat and I am reaching out to those I know are the same as me but this year I can’t even bring myself to go and look at the Mum’s cards.

I did last year…

I think it’s because I am missing you so much more at the moment, with so much changing and life giving us new challenges, my heart aches to talk to you about it all.

Chloe was talking about you the other day. You always seem to be more front of mind for her at this time of year.

She was talking about that day at Dad’s again, when you were screaming and how she hid behind the sofa for an hour and a half until I got home to pick her up.

Where do you go with that Mum?

I feel SO guilty that I put her in that position. Is she going to carry it with her for the rest of her life?

I tried to explain (as I do every time) that it was all to do with your eye. I asked her if she remembers how much you loved her.

She definitely does Mum because her eyes lit up at the mention of this and she nodded her head vigorously as she said yes.

I told her that if you had known what was going to happen or what was going on that there is NO way you would’ve put her in that position and that you would be so so sad and gutted to know that she still gets upset about it 4 years later.

The amount my gorgeous 10 years old has been through makes my heart hurt, but she is the most kind, clever, funny and self-motivated young person. I am so very proud of her as I know you would be as well.

In other news, Mike’s job is going really well, he is like a changed person. He’s been missing you as well. He knows you would be so proud of him and that you would be telling him so. He definitely misses you chatting sessions whilst doing his feet. He misses you doing his feet as well. He tries to do them himself but he just refuses to go and see someone else, if it isn’t you, he won’t go!!

I’m doing the hundred happy day challenge again Mum. It has been really good for me to have to find a moment in each day that has made me happy. I have had a variety of photos, some of the best ones are how well Bea is. She’s doing so well and going back to school next week.

Here are some of my favourites:

As you can see we’ve had snow Mum! We haven’t had any since 2011/2012. It if course brought everything to a stand still but my girls absolutely loved it. Especially Mads and Abs as this was their first snow.

Check out my brace Mum, I’ve had it on for just over a year and look at the difference…

Also, I’ve finally got a Tiguan 👏👏👏👏. I absolutely love 💖 it. We have called him Gaston (the girls and I thought it’s too big to have a girl’s name)

Also, the photo of the girls’ wearing different hats are from World Book Day. They had to make a hat so Abigail went Cat in the Hat, Madison went Where’s Wally and Chloe of course had to do the sorting hat from Harry Potter. They did such a good job and Madison did some of the sewing for her hat, she was so excited.

Our girls have got another grading on the 25th March. Another emotional day for me as I know you would’ve been there to see how they got on. You wouldn’t have missed it and no matter how many we do, I always get upset when our girls come forward. Partly because I am so proud but also because I know how proud you would be too.

Plus we are of course heading for another Easter and then another year anniversary of you going to sleep.

I hoped I wouldn’t associate losing you with Easter as the date changes every year but I seem to associate it more with Easter than I do the actual date…

We’re going to see the Percivals for Easter which will be lovely and will give Gaston a run up the motorway.

Right, I need to get on with my day, Madison is awake and lying here next to me. She says I love you Grandma millions and trillions for ever and ever amen. ❤️

I love and miss you very much Mum.

Sleep well

All my love

Pen xxx

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