Just wondering….

Hi Mum,

Just wondering how you are?

I’m missing having you here a lot at the moment.

The latest update on Mike is that he’s having his heart monitor fitted this Friday for the three days and we’ve got the follow-up appointment at St Guy’s on 13th Feb.

I’ll let you know how we get on, of course 😃.

Beth, Si and Mogs were home this weekend, it was really lovely to see them.

I bet you will be shocked to hear we went to the outlet haha.

I had a very vivid dream the other night.

I was outside somebody’s house knocking on the door when the big tree behind me starting rustling and moving.

I remember feeling fear as I stood waiting to see what was in the tree when you stepped out.

I had a massive rush of excitement that it was my Mum.

You looked like your younger self, with the biggest smile, it felt like you looked so pleased to see me.

Then my rational mind must have kicked in, as I started thinking to myself it can’t be you.

As you walked away it turned out you were somebody else’s daughter and not you at all.

Not really sure what it means but I know for that split second, or whatever it was, you were smiling at me.

I miss that Mum.

your smiles,
your laugh,
your hugs,
your chatter,
your driving hee hee
My friend
My Mum

Love you Mum

Love
Me xxx

We’ve got Mike’s results….

Hi Mummy Darling,

How are you?

I’ve been doing ok recently.

I have been thinking how I have to accept that you aren’t coming back.However hard that is it’s a fact.

And I have been trying to accept that I DO have to carry on without you and that it is up to me to make the changes without having your support.

It’s hard, exhausting and a bit lonely to be honest.

But I keep thinking if I try to make things change and make myself talk to people when I normally wouldn’t, eventually it won’t be quite so hard, exhausting and lonely.

I’m doing it though Mum, I’m making things change.

Some things smaller than others but hopefully once combined it will all be better.

I’m working on my negative thought patterns and I’m working on self confidence, all being helped along by my counselling.

So all of that is good stuff and then yesterday we gat a letter.

We’ve finally got the results of Mike’s heart scan and I felt completely lost without you to ring.

So, it is finally categorically confirmed that Mike suffered a heart attack and it has left Mike with only 39% of the left ventricle of his heart working and he has moderate not mild damage to the rest.

As a result of this they want to monitor him through the heart unit at WHH for 3 days but with all results and future appointments being handled by Mike’s consultant in London.

Mike’s going to ring today but with moderate damage it appears the risk of heart failure is greatly increased, so it will either be bypass or pace maker, we think.

Mike’s kidneys are also referenced not only for adding pressure to the heart but for tests to see whether there is something similar with the tissues.

We shall see but basically it looks like more tests and more surgery.

I feel heartbroken Mum

Heartbroken for Mike, we had thought no news was good news and now he’s been told this.

Heartbroken at the thought of anything happening to him.

Heartbroken that we don’t have you here for your love and support.

Mike and I were chatting about what you would’ve said if you were here. Mike thought ‘chin up son, you’ve got so much to live for.’ X

I wish you were here to say something and just be you.

You would’ve had the girls to given us some time.

You would’ve text and rung both of us each day with motivational words.

You would’ve just been you.

I miss you Mum

Love
Me xxx

I cannot believe she’s 7!

Hi Mummy darling,

Sorry for the delay in telling you about birthday celebrations but all a bit crazy at work this week!

I am most definitely caked out as we had some Sunday lunchtime at Jim and Kiri’s new house.

You would love it Mum, the house is beautiful and quirky, with so much land. Our girls loved going for a walk around it.

We then invited the Vaughan side of the family to ours on the Sunday evening, which was lovely and the cousins had great fun playing together.

On their birthday itself, my gorgeous eldest asked for breakfast in bed, so I organised all cards and gifts the night before and the breakfast cereals etc.

We started with the opening their presents. I got Mike amongst other bits some handle extensions for his bike and as well as pjs etc for Chloe, we got her a boom box.

You know how much she loves her music, she is SO excited.

After breakfast it was crazy mad dash to get everyone ready and then we were at Vics after school.

I don’t know what I would do without her Mum, she helps me so much, and I try to help her.

We were chatting the other day and we said we both try to help each other where you would’ve been the one to help without question.

We had more presents and birthday cake with Vics, Isabelle and Dad and it was really lovely because Kiri joined us with Joshua for a bit.

It’s great that they live close enough for her to do that now.

We missed you Mum.

I miss you being the one to sing happy birthday at the top of your voice.

I miss you screaming when we cut the cake.

I miss making you multiple cups of tea to have with your cake.

There is a silence where a text and phone call would’ve been received from you on the day (or any other).

Mike really missed hearing from you on his birthday.

I am surviving my year of firsts’ Mum.

I even got through my PDR but desperately missed your motivational texts before and after to help me along.

I love you so very much Mum.

All my love
Pen xxx

Nearly Mike and Chloe’s birthday……

Hi Mummy Darling,

It’s nearly Chloe and Mike’s birthday…another celebration without you x

Chloe’s much better, it took 3 days though for the rash to finish spreading, we just don’t know what caused it.

I don’t want to have to sing ‘Happy Birthday’ without you again, but I know I have to.

Jim and Kiri have moved today, it’s going to be lovely having them living closer. I’m looking forward to spending more time with them and my gorgeous nephew.

I had a crazy school pick up day, I collected Madison at 15:15, Abigail went to play at Jessica’s.

I went back to collect Chloe at 16:30 after Infant Agility, after taking Madison to Tesco.

We went to pick up Abigail and then it was on to Steph and Ed’s for Benjamin’s birthday.

The girls miss you Mum, they always find the brightest star in the sky to see where you are, especially Madison.

Chloe’s her usual sturdy self who pretends everything is fine and Abigail will mention you out of the blue.

Love and miss you Mum

Love

Me xxx

First hospital visit of the year 😃

Hi Mum,

Yep, I have already had my first hospital visit of the year.

It wasn’t Mike and it wasn’t the twins, it was Chloe!! I know!!!

She literally did not let go of me (apart from doing colouring whiles we were waiting), until she went to bed.

She has had an allergic reaction to something and has come up in a rash all over her body.

She had a temperature with it as well and was just generally not herself.

They’ve given her steroids and anti histamines but we have no idea what caused it.

She’s so brave Mum, and had to go through into A&E to be weighed, which petrified her.

She’s never been to hospital for her before 😃.

Apart from that the new year is going ok, back to work and the girls are back to school today.

I’m already missing being with them.

I brought Grandma back for a cup of tea on Sunday and Dad popped over.

She joined in with games with the girls and seemed to have a lovely time. The girls are all so good whether we visit her or she comes here.

Grandma misses you terribly Mum.

I’m doing my best to look after her for you.

I had an informal review with the home, the only thing for me is the cleanliness of Grandma’s bathroom.

Apart from that they are doing a good job looking after her.

Write soon.

Love you
Love
Me xxx

1st January 2015

Hi Mummy Darling,

Happy New Year.

I missed texting you yesterday and today.

I carried in our tradition and cooked a family meal for all of us, Mandy, Chris and Dad all joined us for it.

I especially miss you supportive and encouraging text messages you used to send. This was December 2013

‘Hi gorgeous, have been reflecting on our chat last night,
wish very much to say how proud I am of you, as mum, wife daughter, sister d in law, and very good friend who ever you can help!
Then there is Pen Vaughan, a manager in a good firm, achieved by your own abilities, liked and respected by everyone,
Now it is time for Pen and personal goals to be achieved, think your boss has provided you with necessary tools last night with his assessment so in 2014 you can grab them and get that ‘A’
as WE all promise to behave ourselves next year
Love you very much, am so proud, proud of you xxxxxx’

It’s really hard starting my first whole year without you but I’ll keep you updated.

It’s Chloe’s and Mike’s birthday soon, they really miss you.

Write soon.

All my love
Pen xxx