Thanks for your help

Hi Mummy darling,

So, it’s been quite tough recently, especially when I felt like I had let my kids down completely with no childcare on a Tues and Thurs.

Then I randomly meet a lady at a party who is a childminder and is looking for part time child care. That’s after me asking for your help so thank you.

I know I have spoken to you about Grandma, bless her. 13 phone calls in one evening is challenging.

The girls were sooo good when we took her out for an ice cream. They didn’t fight at all and talked to Grandma (as much as they could as she didn’t have her hearing aid in!).

I am so very lucky with my family and friends Mum, everybody is giving me so much support through all of the changes happening at the moment.

I am so grateful for this but I still struggle and feel alone at times as nobody fills the huge Mum shaped hole I have in my life.

I miss you telling me when I’m over-reacting, when I’m right, laughing at my stories, laughing about Grandma’s latest antics and just chatting Mum.

I miss making you a cup of tea.

I miss cooking roast dinners for you.

I miss driving to your house to see you.

I miss 256 terribly.

I miss you smelling of Ysatis.

I miss us taking the girls out together.

I miss my Mum.

Work is challenging at the moment as well but I’m working through it Mum and I just look inside to see what you and taught and instilled in me that you just used to confirm for me.

The girls are loving school, you would be so proud of them Mum, I certainly am.

Abigail was talking about you and Dad reading them books at the same time last night, it was the first time she has mentioned you in a while.

I find it lovely and comforting that they still remember you.

I love and miss you Mum.

Love
Me

It’s all so hard at the moment

Oh Mum,

I am missing you so much at the moment.

Everything is changing and it is really challenging without you.

I miss knowing you are there to talk to and to help me.

The girls love school which is so great and you would love it if you were here. I know you would be reading books with them and talking to them about school.

I have messed up with their childcare, who knows what happened Mum, I think it has been one more thing I couldn’t take on, if you can help me that would be great.

Plus, the birthday parties have started already and just for Abigail. Vics is having them for me as Dad isn’t free.

I’m sure you know why and I know you will think it is a good thing. It just feels quite quick and strange to not have either you or Dad around at the weekend.

I feel very sad at the moment Mum, I keep crying, which maybe is what I haven’t done since I lost you.

The sadness is just over-whelming still at times and once I start crying I can’t stop.

The sadness comes from so deep inside I’m not sure how long it’s going to take to reduce.

I seem to take 2 steps forwards and then one step back.

I just miss you.

Love
Me xxx

Saving Mr Banks

Hi Mum,

I’ve just finished watching Saving Me Banks, I know it’s one of the last movies you watched.

It certainly makes me think differently about one of my favourite films and one we watched every Christmas.

It’s a very clever story line and I enjoyed it, I just feel sad I didn’t get to watch it with you.

Miss you Mum

Lots of love
Pen xxx

First day at school

Hi Mummy Darling,

How are you?

I would love to be able to phone you today. The girls have started school… Can you believe they are that big already.

After all the heartbreak of the reading sessions they both went in with no tears this morning.

Whether that will last I don’t know!

I have had the morning off and in true Pen style (with the teachers’ visit this afternoon), I have spent 2 hours cleaning my house.

It’s been lovely and so much easier to do without interruptions. I’m not sure what it’s going to be like having it all day on a Friday but we shall see.

It’s a bit of a juggling act for the next couple of weeks with the girls on half days. I know you would’ve collected them for me on occasions but we’re working it out.

I miss being able to chat to you about everything and it was really hard dropping them off without a phone call or visit from you.

I’m doing it though Mum and desperately hoping you are proud of me all the time.

I miss you so very much.

Speak soon
Love
Me xxx

It’s my birthday….

Hi Mum,

I can’t believe it’s the eve of my birthday.. I’m not sure how I’m going to get through tomorrow.

I know it’s another day without you but it’s my birthday and you’re the reason that day even exists!

I’m dreading Dad giving me a card signed just from him, another confirmation but in black and white that you aren’t here anymore.

I’m off with the girls so I’m trying to decide what to do. We could go to Leeds Castle or the beach, I can’t decide. I guess we’ll see what the morning brings.

Chloe started year 2 today, when did that happen and the girls had their last day at crèche today. Everything’s changing Mum.

Apparently it’s ok for me to be seeing it as such a great loss as so much is changing at the moment, all on top of the loss of you.

I don’t know how to tell you or whether you even want to know but Dad has been spending time with another woman. I think it’s great for Dad but I’m struggling with it. It’s like another reminder you aren’t here and that life is moving on.

I’ll let you know how my day goes.

I love and miss you very much Mum.

Love
Me xxx