What a difference a day makes

Hi Mum,

Life here has been very busy in the last 3 days.

Sunday Dad and Mike were working really hard on the garden, it looks so different, I wish you could see it, you would be soooo pleased and excited.

To get the girls out of the way, I took them for a walk in the woods with Mandy, Steph, Bea, Poppy, Benjamin, Fiona, Alice and their puppy Luna. It was lovely and we were walking for 2 and a half hours. The girls did so well.

In the evening we took girls to the beach to do their own goodbye to you. They spent about an hour throwing stones into the sea and we were trying to wait for the stars to appear but at 21:10 you still weren’t out so we brought the girls home. They each did a little recording for you which we’re going to keep.

Chloe misses you so much Mum, she doesn’t talk about you all the time but every so often she mentions you. She heard a song the other day that reminded her of you and driving to the beach she was talking about different memories she has of you.

On Monday the girls were so tired we didn’t even bother to get them dressed, they slept for 3 hours during the day!

I painted the fence in the rain and Mike and Ed did some digging 😀

It all felt very strange without you here. Dad helping but not having you with me and the girls.

Mike was on the phone and he said it’s Mum. My instant response was ‘my Mum?’. How crazy is that? Of course it wasn’t going to be you! My sub-conscious seems to be a bit behind! It just doesn’t seem real that you are gone.

I also got upset at the fact that I have to live without a Mum now. Why us? Why me? There are others who don’t care for or see their Mums. Why did I have to lose my best friend!

I know your response would be ‘because I raised you to be strong enough to do it.’ I know that’s the case Mum but it’s just so hard and hits me when I’m not expecting it.

I went back to work today. I did ok for the morning, it was quite hard but I tried to just do one thing at a time.

For some reason in the afternoon it all got too much, felt like everything was terrible and I just wanted out. I pulled myself together, got myself a coffee and went back. My boss’ response was to just do fun stuff for now and not worry about stuff that I struggle with. Bless him.

I just expect life to return to some form of normality but it doesn’t seem to be yet.

Miss and love you Mum

Love
Me xxx

I’m struggling

Hi Mummy Darling,

How’s things?

It has all been very strange since we celebrated your life.

Flat, I think is the best word to describe it.

It feels like something else needs to happen or something, I can’t believe that’s it, you’re gone and now we have to just carry on.

We filled Tuesday with time with everyone and I of course, got a cold!

Wednesday was a strange day, Beth and Si had gone back. I went and saw Grandma who is doing ok and spent the afternoon getting ready to face work on Thursday.

Going back to work in a way was good, it was time but I had worried so much about work itself that I didn’t even consider that it would be another reminder that you are not here.

Having had such a long fight, it was strange not to have any calls from you or about you, I think it will take time getting used to being at work and having less additional stress.

I managed twins club this week, which just sounds ridiculous! I managed to go to a club that I was chairperson of only a few weeks ago!

I wonder when your confidence returns? I am still struggling when I have to face lots of people, especially if I don’t know them all.

That never used to bother me but since losing you, the thought of it fills me with dread.

I have of course, done some reading on the matter and it is all part of loss and grieving but it can stop you from wanting to do anything new or different.

Vics, Beth and I have taken up the challenge of 100 happy days. You have to post a photo each day of something that makes you happy for100 days.

Apparently a lot of people fail the challenge as they become too busy to find something that made them happy each day.

I think it’s a positive thing for us to do and the other day my positive post was Chloe’s beautiful prayer to you.

I had a lovely conversation with Abigail the other day. She asked if Great Grandma is now my Mummy. I answered no so she asked me who my mummy is now and I explained that I don’t have a Mummy here anymore and that angel Grandma is my angel Mummy. Her response was that she thinks I should have a mummy so it should be Great Grandma! Love Grandma but no thank you haha.

The three of them were sitting outside waiting yesterday whilst I served up their tea. I took their drinks out to them and went in to serve up their food when I heard all three of them pick up their drinks and do a toast to Grandma.

It was one of the most beautiful but heartbreaking moments. My girls all miss you so much and I can’t make it any easier for them.

It’s 5 weeks ago today that we found out you had become an angel.

5 weeks without you.

When does it start to get easier?

When does the ache in my heart begin to dull?

When does life become ok again? Does it ever or do you just learn to live with the ache?

I absolutely know that we will be ok and I absolutely know that you are with me all the time Mum, it’s like I just feel your presence but it’s not the same as being able to pick up the phone or come and see you.

I miss having you help me to put the world to rights :-D.

Love you with all my heart Mum.

Speak soon

Love
Me xxx

What now?

To my dear Mummy Darling,

I’m sorry I haven’t written to you for a while but it’s all been a bit crazy.

We had the celebration of your life yesterday. It was the most beautiful sunny day, after lovely weather over the weekend.

We had a BBQ here on the Sunday which was lovely and the Percival’s came all the way down for 2 days, bless the. It was sooo lovely to catch up with everyone but the most strange day, just waiting.

Jemma kindly picked up Chloe for me and Mandy took the girls to crèche for us. We got ready and picked Grandma and went to wait for the cars.

Your coffin was lovely Mum and the coffin spray by Amanda was just beautiful.

You were walked to the end of the road and then we drove to he cemetery where they walked you in again.

The crematorium was packed Mum, packed full of people who love you.

Dad started the service and Vic’s did her reading first, she did a really good job. Even with Grandma complaining that she should’ve gone first as she decided the night before that she wanted to say something.

Grandma spoke next, she’s an amazing lady Mum, she spoke so clearly and bravely.

All of a sudden it was my turn. I got up to read you my thought of the day, Desiderata. I looked up and there were SO many faces looking at me.

I out my shoulders back and spoke as you taught me Mum, loudly and clearly. I did faulter once but I picked it back up again.

The music was beautiful and we used the timeline you wrote out for your eulogy. Beth and Jim were amazing Mum and really did you proud, with laughter and tears.

Dad finished the service amazingly and before I knew it we were laughing at the curtains closing to the dramatic o fortuna music. I wanted to listen to it but Grandma started asking who leads the way out so I took her.

It was so hard to walk away without you Mum.

It was a lovely afternoon with beautiful sunshine, the most amazing view and I had a glass of wine :-D.

I had a lovely chat and giggle with our cousins and aunt and uncle it was lovely to see them all.

Sorry I didn’t mingle too much with others Mum but I just wanted to pretend everything was ok just for a short while and I couldn’t do that if I had others telling me how amazing you were.

I already know that, you were my Mum, my guiding light, my voice of reason.

I have felt so exhausted today but also completely lost.

How is that it?

What happens now?

Do I really have to do the rest of my life without you?

How do I do that?

Who advise me on everything I used to talk to you about?

Who can give me the Mum hugs you used to?

Who’s going to love and care for my children as much as you did?

How can I help my girls to not be upset that their Grandma is gone?

How do I make sure I don’t forget you? Your voice, your smell, your love?

How do I make sure my girls don’t forget you?

So many questions, but no answers at the moment.

I love you so much Mum and I know everything is going to be ok as the universe is unfolding as it should….

Miss you Mum

All my love
Pen xxx

Life without you

Hi Mummy Darling,

It’s been an interesting couple of days and I am finding out new things about myself without you here.

Friday was a day where I spent the whole day feeling completely overwhelmed with sadness and I just couldn’t shake it.

I went to twins club and decided I was going to try and be me. I thought I would just try to act as though I wasn’t struggling.

It didn’t ‘t quite go to plan!

I started out ok but was pretending the whole time. As club got busier and here were quite a few new Mums I started finding it too much. I then got a call from the school to say Chloe had bumped her head but wanted to stay at school and that she had won an award. I just got really upset, another thing I can’t tell you. My pretense was over….

I made it through the rest of club but I was exhausted and glad it was over. I’m definitely ok when I’m with family but struggle on my own at the mo.

We had he usual Saturday morning breakfast at Dad’s, it’s still strange without you but I had found a video with you laughing in the background. It was so lovely to hear you laughing and Vic found one with you talking and say ‘hi gorgeous’, really lovely but I miss you more.

I had a games afternoon with the girls yesterday but Chloe refused to play Greedy Gorilla and wanted me to play It’s a beautiful day all afternoon.

She’s missing you, but won’t admit it or she doesn’t realise how much.

Dad came over for a Chinese takeaway last night, I think he appreciated the company and Kiri had her show yesterday so it looks like your grandson is going to be here in the next couple of days.

Mike finally tried on his suit, he asked me what you would think. Mum, you would love it and you would’ve been filled with pride. He is so honoured to be carrying you, he feels like it’s a small wY of giving something back and just saying thank you for being you x

I’ve got my candle lit for you Mum, it’s like you still shining light on my family.

Miss and love you Mum
Pen

It’s a beautiful day

Hi Mum,

It doesn’t seem to be getting easier still. I keep being side swiped by random thoughts.

On Wednesday whilst I was brushing my teeth I thought ‘I must see Mum, I haven’t seen her for ages’, but of course I can’t see you! It’s when I’m in the car and I go to phone you to tell you the latest but I can’t.

We had the girls parents evening with their key workers on Wednesday, you would be so proud. They are both at ready for school level or within the expectation of reception. They are doing great, I’m so proud of them all, they are really beautiful girls (even though they try my patience at times :-D).

I’m really tired again at the moment. For some reason I am back to dreaming every night so when I wake in the morning I don’t fell like I have rested. I’m guessing this is going to carry until the celebration.

I saw Ali for a coffee yesterday, she’s really missing you and as you know she thought you were the most amazing person. She sees a lot of you in me, which is lovely and I know you are with me Mum and I will continue being me and making you proud of my family.

I’ll be back soon
Love
Me xxx

Tough one

Hi Mummy Darling,

So, Sunday Mike did the most amazing thing Mum and cycled 72kms to raise money for the hospice. He was very emotional about it but did such a good job. It was very sad waiting at the Hospice for Mike knowing you weren’t there anymore and I admit I found it overwhelming for a period of time, but I managed to pull myself back together.

It was an amazing achievement but yet another reminder that you are gone. I miss you so much. We both wanted to call and tell you like we normally would but your phone number no longer connects.

It just beeps a few times and cuts off, yet another reminder you are gone.

Yesterday was what would’ve been your 41st wedding anniversary with Dad. I know there was a lot of to and fro in your marriage but it is still an amazing achievement to have reached your 40th wedding anniversary. Dad did a BBQ at his, mainly for the Vaughans and then the Pestridges joined us.

This was before we headed to Leeds Castle to meet the Grundys. It’s all very strange without you, even taking the girls to the toilet, you would’ve helped me and taking the girls to the play park, you would’ve helped me…….. I miss you being part of everything.

I have spent time today with Kiri, bless her, 41 weeks pregnant and worrying how her husband is going to cope with you not being here to meet his son.

I am trying to sort things out for Grandma, I love Dad so much. It I don’t understand him with Grandma. He wants nothing to do with her but wants to look after her finances. I need to sort out what Grandma wants for her new will so she stops stressing about it.

I hope you agree that I am doing the right thing. I’m missing my voice of reason.

Struggling today Mum, the thoughts of the celebration of your life are overwhelmingly soul destroying and part of me feels that it’s not quite real the whole time that hasn’t happened.

I am struggling most with life just carrying on, there have been no moments where life has stopped for me to take stock of what has happened and to work out any clue of what I’m supposed to do next without you to ring or see.

Just to hear you say ‘hi gorgeous’.

I love you very much Mum and even it feels like there are moments where I haven’t thought about you, you are always with me.

Love
Pen

Just another day

Hi Mum,

Another day without you.

After breakfast at Dad’s, which I changed around with him the other day. It looks very different and I know we could’ve changed it when you were here but as it wasn’t your house I don’t think you would’ve liked it no matter what we did :-D.

I took the girls bowling yesterday. They were so funny and I’m sure they left dents in the lane but once they got the hang of it they loved it. I know that if you were here you would’ve come with me.

I am finding other memories of you popping into my head rather than just whilst you were unwell. I keep trying to remember how you used to be and I am being assured that with time they will return.

I keep thinking about your fight so I thought if I put it in here I might not think about it so much.

October 2011 you went for a mammogram and the lump was found. After a biopsy they confirmed it was malignant. That was the day I turned up in Canterbury pretending I had been in a meeting.

November 2011 lumpectomy and removal of some nodes from your armpit.
December 2011 confirmation the cancer had spread so you 9 rows of lymph nodes removed.

January 2012 targeted radiotherapy finishing in March 2011 (the day Mike had his heart attack, but that’s another story.

Quite a calm year in 2012 until June when the lump appeared on the back of your head. You and Dad decided to sell 256 so you put it on the market. A.buyer was found and you exchanged in October when you had more and more lumps appearing on your head. You admitted to Dad that you had your own place and you weren’t going to be moving out with him.

Dad managed to find a place to rent in the two week window and then when the sale completed you disappeared, none of us knew where you were living for 2 weeks.

In the middle of November you came to mine saying you thought you had broken a rib moving into your house. Within 2 weeks you had lost loads of weight and mobility and you were in so much pain that Dad came to get you and took you to A&E. That was on the Friday when they diagnosed it as a blood clot on your lung.

You rang me on the Sunday to say you had been called back into the hospital. I got a sinking feeling and it was confirmed on the Monday that you had terminal secondary breast cancer in your bones.

Over the next week you had multiple scans including a 3 hour bone scan on your whole body. They confirmed the cancer had spread to your skull, jaw, sternum, vertebrae and ribs. A course of intense radiotherapy was carried out immediately, especially on your vertebrae as it was moving towards your spinal chord and on your head. As a result of this you became really unwell and you were hospitalised with pneumonia and told you needed to sign a DNR (Do not resuscitate).

You recovered though, came home during January 2013 and went back to work. It was decided a course of chemo was needed in April that finished in the August. You were so amazing with it Mum even though you lost your hair but the girls loved wearing your scarf :-D.

Again life was stable until the November when you had a CT scan and 2 lumps appeared either side of your head. It was confirmed the cancer had spread to your eye socket but at the time it was coating the back of your eye and pushing it out of your head. You were put on the oral chemo but that made your hands and feet so sore you couldn’t do anything.

Radiotherapy reduced the cancer enough for your eye to move back into your head but within weeks it looked like you had been in a fight and your left eye was very swollen. Another CT scan showed it had spread extensively and at this point you were given 3 months, maximum of 6 to live.

Over that weekend you became really unwell and on the Monday Dad had to ring 999 where they confirmed you had a pulmonary embolism and needed to be on blood thinners for the rest of your life.

After a short stay in hospital you returned home but the cancer in your eye was very aggressive and your eye just kept growing. Your mobility reduced greatly and your pain increased phenomenally until we had to have help caring for you so you agreed the hospice was the best place to be but you were only in there 10 days before you were gone.

You fought SO hard Mum and I tried to be there through the fight with you in any way I could, through all of the highs and lows. We spent a lot of time together as a family with Centreparcs and cottage holidays but I feel like none of it was enough time and I would love more.

You were so brave Mum and were the most amazing Mum a child could ask for. Even if some of your methods were unconventional :-D.

Miss you and love you

Love
Me xxx

Since you’ve been gone

Hi Mummy Darling,

I can’t believe you have been gone 2 weeks today. In a way it feels like ages but in another way it feels like no time at all.

I am finding that you not being here is getting harder.

As day to day returns to normal there are more and more occasions where I would’ve rung you or you would’ve been with us.

We bought the girls new bikes the other day and it was very strange not having you join us in Halfords as you were always there be it car seats, scooters or bikes.

I made the decision to have highlights put in my hair, when I told the girls I was having some colour put in my hair Madison said, ‘is that because it is going white?’! I am really pleased with them and I know you would’ve been excited for me to show you :-D.

Chloe is missing you a lot and it is coming out in her behaviour. I gave her some slack for a while but I decided enough was enough and punished her. This was enough to make her completely break down but I think that is what she needed to do as she seems so much calmer since. It’s just hard when you have always been my voice of reason when I’m trying to be a good Mum.

I have spent a lot of time with Dad this week, we finished off the plans for the celebration of your life, confirmed the obituary in the paper and we have been packing up your house. There is nothing more heart wrenching than deciding which of your belongings are to be kept and what we need to take to the dump. You do not deserve for your belongings to end up there but what do we do when they are of no use to anyone but you and you aren’t here anymore??……..

I miss you so much my heart hurts Mum

All my love
Pen