Tough one..

Hi Mum,

How are you?

It’s been a tough one this week but Madison has been a superstar.

Tuesday was a long tough day.

Dad came round to take Chloe and Abigail to school whilst we negotiated a very emotional Madison into the car.

I sat in the back with my arm through to the front so Madison could hold my hand for the start of the journey.

After a while Daddy kindly gave her his phone so I could have my arm back that now had no feeling.

True Vaughan/ Grundy style (always a story), we got stuck in an accident along Stone Street at a point where we had no signal on our phones so we just had to sit it out.

Luckily we were only there for about 15 minutes so spent the next 15 trying to get signal to call the hospital and tell them we were going to be late.

I eventually got through and we arrived about 08:10 rather than 08:00.

I got all the bags and coats etc out of the car and walked in with Mike and Madison. Mike goes walking off with the nurse onto the ward, there’s me with my arms full of stuff and trying to stop Madison from going back out of the door as she’s decided she doesn’t want to have the operation!

Eventually Mike re-appears and asks me what I’m doing! I just asked him to pick up Madison as I could ‘t. Haha.

Madison had her pre-op checks and then settled on her bed playing on her DS.

   
 
She had her Spider-Man dressing gown from Team Mac and Team Pest and her minion Spider-Man from Team Grundy.

About 10:45 we headed to theatre for Madison. She chose Daddy to go in with her for the general anaesthetic. I stood outside the door as she was very distressed about going for it.

I could hear the anaesthetist negotiating with Madison as she wanted to have it standing up haha. Eventually she got to 33 and it went quiet. 33!!

A quite distressed Mike appeared out of the door so after taking a minute we decided food and coffee was a good idea. Madison couldn’t have anything before her op so we decided not to have anything. 

Just as we were at Costa Dad arrived and treated us, bless him. From there it was waiting. Madison went down about 11:20 and we were called into recovery at about 12:45. My baby was still sound asleep.

  
(She looks SO like Abigail in this photo!).

After spending some time trying to wake her but only getting one moment of crying and her asking for bunny. They called the porters to take us back down so I got on the bed with my baby for the journey.

The rest of the afternoon, Madison slept, we couldn’t get her to come round.

  
I joined her for a bit

  
And then Dad had a snooze as well… 

 
Madison woke up about 4pmand we managed to get some toast into her and water. About 5 minutes later she went to they toilet with Daddy and it all came back up again and she went back to sleep. 

By 16:30 the nurses were asking not us to wake her and get her to eat something. We managed to wake her up and sit her up, she drank some water, ate 2 chocolate fingers and went back to sleep.

The nurses did the post-op checks and took out the cannula whilst Madison still slept.

We made the decision to take her Holme anyway and we were given her discharge letter.

She was sick again on the drive home and just lay on the sofa but asked for toast about 19:30 which stayed down and she went to sleep.

I’ve been off with her for the week, she’s had lots of visitors and friends and lots of presents.

She has been a superstar and is getting better so quickly, you would be really proud of her Mum.

Her sisters have been looking after her as well. I emailed the school on Tuesday to let her sisters know that she was ok. Chloe was writing prayers for her and everything.

Sending you all my love Mum

Love

Pen x

I can’t sleep

Hi Mum,

It’s 04:12, I can’t sleep!

It’s Madison’s operation for her squint today.

I know it’s a standard procedure but she has to go under general anaesthetic for it!

I know all is going to be good, I’m just worried.

I so wish you were here to come with us.

I miss you at the best of times Mum, I’m missing you terribly right now.

I’ll let you know how she is later.

Love you.

Love

Me xxx

Another year starting to fly by

Hi Mummy Darling,

I cannot believe we are half way through January already. Time just seems to pass by faster and faster.

Mike and Chloe had a lovely birthday, I love this photo I got of them both reading their birthday cards.

  
Chloe is so chuffed with her Wii U, she has played on it loads and is sharing it with her sisters. Before you ask, it is a hand-held Wii so it doesn’t have to be on the big screen for Chloe to play.

  

We got Mike a Giant Antipasti plank that he fell in love with before Christmas. He was really surprised and it’s Giant!!!

  
  
Chloe had Leo to stay last Friday as a treat. They are such good friends still Mum and they didn’t fall out at all which shows how much they have grown up.

Training is going well. I’ve run a total 14 miles this weekend. It’s making it all very real 😁. 

I’m enjoying the challenge though and I am really looking forward to soaking up the atmosphere on the day.

I really miss having you here to talk to and give your usual support but I’m doing ok Mum.

I love and miss you so much Mum.

All my love

Pen xxx

 

I miss you Mum

Hi Mummy Darling,

How are you?

Things have been tough recently.

Covering 2 jobs was always going to be a challenge but getting ill (for the first time in years!!) has put me behind.

Dad was a great help Mum.

My girls have been beautiful and I can’t believe Chloe is 8 tomorrow.

Beth has just sent me something she was sent about losing your Mum. This really sums up how I am feeling.

“When a daughter loses a mother, the intervals between responses to grief lengthen over time, but the longing never disappears. It always hovers right at the edge of awareness, prepared to surface at any time, in any place, and in the least expected ways.”

“I am fooling only myself when I say that my mother exists now only in the photographs on my desk or in my albums, or in the outline of my hand or in the armful of memories I still hold tight. She lives on in everything I say and do. Her presence influences who I was and her absence influences who I am.”

“There is an emptiness inside of me — a void that will never be filled. No one in my life will ever love me as my mother did. There is no love as pure, unconditional and strong as a mother’s love. And I will never be loved that way again.”

“I truly believe that the death of my mother has made me the way I am today. I am a survivor, mentally strong, determined, strong willed, self-reliant, and independent. But I also keep most of my pain and anger inside because I refuse to be vulnerable to anyone.”

Motherless Daughters: The Legacy of Loss by Hope Edelman

I miss you so very much Mum.

All my love

Pen xxx

Happy new year Mum

Hi Mum,

Happy new year for 2016.

I still find it so strange and hard that I can’t say it to you in person and I still find it hard to accept that I move into another year without you.

It will be 2 years in April since you went to sleep Mum, 2 years that I have done without you. 2 years since we last spoke. 2 years since I was able to talk about my Mum and others talk about theirs without me getting a stabbing pain in my heart.

I’m doing it though Mum and that is mainly driven by me being able to imagine what you would’ve said or what supporting text you would’ve sent me X.

Our time between Christmas and new year has been a blur of busyness. I sometimes wonder whether we actually are that busy or whether I fill our time as much as possible so I don’t miss you.

Boxing Day was the Smith annual party, after having breakfast with Dad and making a banoffee.

On the Sunday we went to Mandy and Chris’ for bubble and squeak, then popped to town, went to see Grandma and then headed off to Nic’s surprise 30th party.

Bank holiday Monday we had everybody here for a roast dinner. There was 13 of us as Susan joined us as well. She’s lovely Mum and takes an interest in us and she coped well being with us all as it was the usual Grundy chaos.

It’s all just strange without you Mum, something’s just missing all the time!

On Tuesday Vics was going to see Nic as she was over from Kenya so I had Isabelle for the day. They all had great fun playing together, dressing up and playing board games. One of the favourite games in our house is Pie Face.

   
    
   
Wednesday, Mike went for a 20 mile bike ride first thing and the girls and I stayed at home. Cynthia came to see me with Costa coffee which is always a good choice.

We went with Dad to get school shoes, popped to see Grandma and then came home so our girls could have their first go on the roller skates.

Yes, we got them all roller skates for Christmas and they love them.

New Year’s Eve we went for a walk in the woods with Leo and his family. It was so good to get the girls out of the house and get some fresh air in their lungs and give them a run around.

It was lovely until it started to pour with rain!

   
    

For new year we played board games with Jo and Craig which was lovely.

See, jam packed as always!!

And now this year, it’s London Marathon year. I need your help and support through my training please Mum.

I’m a little bit excited about it at the same time though 😃.

I saw his today and it made me think of you.

  

And some lovely words to carry into 2016.

  

Happy new year Mum, I miss you with all my heart.

Love

Pen xxx

(And Mike, Chloe, Madison and Abigail) xxx