Life continues to change

Hi Mummy Darling,

So, life continues to change and move at a pace that I am still not comfortable with.

I don’t feel like I get a chance to stop and take a breath.

Maybe that’s because I don’t want to.

On the odd occasion I do get to stop, even for a moment, you still aren’t here!

Mike and I met Dad’s new girlfriend last night.

I hardly ate all day. You know what I’m like when I’m nervous.

We went to the Beefeater so at least I got to eat in the evening 😃.

She was nice Mum, the absolute complete opposite to you, but nice.

I’m not sure what I was expecting and maybe nerves partly made her a quiet as she is, but I think I was expecting her to be a bit more gregarious than she is.

They’re looking after the girls for us next week whilst we’re in London and Mike and I both agreed we’re happy with that.

I’m not sure what ours girls are going to make of her, especially CJ…..

We’ll see how it goes, I need to be worrying about Mike that day so at least I know our girls are going to have a fun day at the beach.

Love and miss you Mum.

Love

Me xxx

Latest news

Hi Mum,

How are you?

I hope you are sleeping well.

I thought I would let you know our latest news.

The BIG news in our house is that Madison has complety stopped sucking her bunny 😃. She still carries it with her but no longer has it in her mouth, she’s so grown up.

Mother’s Day was so hard, I missed you so much. We went to the Downs which was cold but lovely. I did some Lego with the girls and then went to get Grandma.

   

   

She was with us for a few hours, the girls were so good with her. She’s desperate to speak to you Mum. We got her a ‘Grandma on Mother’s Day’ card that she has shown to everyone.

We then had a lovely family dinner with our sad thoughts and happy thoughts. The girls sad thoughts were all that I was sad because you aren’t here.

The other news is that Sa had her double mastectomy this week. Such a big decision and operation but she decided she had to have it.

I had lunch with her last Friday which was really lovely to spend some time chatting and catching up.

Vics’ training and fundraising is going really well. We’ve got her quiz night tonight which should be really good fun 😃.

Anyway Mum, miss and love you x

Love

Me xxx

Happy Mother’s Day Mum x

Dear Mummy Darling,

Happy Mother’s Day x

As you aren’t here for me to thank in person I am writing.

Thank you Mum for…..

being the amazing Mum you were

shaping me to be the person I am today

loving my children like you did

for always being there when I needed you

always helping out with any situation, whether I needed a lift, help moving, child care, a hug anything

all of the memories I have

all of the family traditions we have that we are able to carry on without you here

your kindness and caring 

for letting me fall when I had to learn by making my own mistakes

for the lectures and the concerns

laughing with me, even though I knew at times that you were also laughing at me

the limitless hugs and kisses

all of your theories you had about everything

keeping me warm, calm and sane

sticking up for me

encouraging me

believing in me

letting me know that you never expected more than the best I could do

teaching me to be honest, appreciative and loving

teaching me to try to see the best in people

helping me to always try something new and keep an open mind.

the millions of phone calls and text messages

all of the Sunday lunches you cooked for me and my girls especially when Mike was working

all of the Sunday afternoons you took the girls to the park so I could have a cup of tea in peace

showing me how much beauty is around me

putting up with my know-it-all teenage years

loving me no matter what

for being so smart, beautiful, wise and talented

fighting so hard Mum, so you could stay here for as long as you did.

Thank you Mum for being my superhero,  my expert-in-everything,  

and my very best friend. 

I miss you with all my heart.

Love 

Pen xxx

P.s. Mike sends his love and says happy Mother’s Day xxx

Time seems to have slowed down

Hi Mum,

It’s strange how so much time has passed since you went to sleep and I feel like it’s only just happened again at the moment.

I long for any sign to show me you are nearby.

I long to see a patient of yours so they can tell me how amazing you are.

I am struggling so much with Mother’s Day coming up. 

I have arranged to take Grandma out for an ice cream as Mike’s working. Just talking to her about it yesterday made me cry in front of her for the first time.

I know the day is about me being a Mum as well and I need to celebrate with my girls but the word Mum is everywhere.

I am also finding it really hard when people talk about their Mum doing something or somebody else’s Mum saying or doing something.

I thought it should all be a bit easier by  now…….

I feel like I’m not coping at all again.

My heart aches terribly Mum.

Love you

Love Me

Xxx

Another first is nearly here

Hi Mum,

How are you?

Life has been calmer since my last letter 😃.

Our girls are just growing up so fast.

I find it hard to believe nearly a year of their lives have gone by without you here.

Madison keeps asking me when you’re coming back at the moment. I have to tell her you’re not.

It’s really hard saying it out loud but she’s convinced you’re going to get better and be here again.

I don’t blame her, I wish the same.

I met up with Claire’s wife Sarah last week. It was lovely spending some time with her.

I was talking to her about my blog so she’s giving it a try.

I hope it helps her as much as it helps me.

Mother’s Day is everywhere Mum.

I keep getting emails from one company with the subject line ‘You’re Mum’s a St🌟r’! If only they knew!!

I can’t even bring myself to look at anything to do with it.

I can’t believe I don’t need to buy one this year x

The girls have got World Book Day this Friday, Chloe’s going as Horrid Henry, Abigail’s going as the princess from The Wizard and the Princess and Madison’s going as the mouse from The Gruffalo. It should be good fun for them.

We’ve got Mike’s stress test through for 2nd April in London which is when the girls have broken up from school of course!

Dad offered to have the girls for the day which surprised me as he isn’t normally keen on having all 3.

Then it came out yesterday, he wants to look after them with his new girlfriend for the day.

Of course for this to happen we have to meet her.

Dad commented on the fact she wi be nervous, I commented back saying it’s not like I’ve ever done this before.

I feel so mixed about it Mum.

It feels like you’ve been away for so long, but meeting Dad’s girlfriend is further confirmation you’re not here when Mother’s Day is nearly here, let alone the year anniversary. 

Life goes on though Mum.

Sometimes I’m ok with that now, other times I wish it would stop, or at least slow down a bit…

Love and miss you Mum

Love

Me xxx