1 more sleep

Hi Mummy darling,

It’s another Saturday, it feels like so long since I last saw you, but no time at all that you’ve been gone.

I’m just about ready for the girls’ birthday tomorrow. It’s been really hard this week doing all the preparations without you and knowing you aren’t going to be here tomorrow.

You would be proud, I’ve made and iced the birthday cakes myself, I just wish you were here to make sure I was doing it properly.

I’m sorry I felt so cross earlier in the week, I just felt like I was doing everything on my own and you have always been here to help me.

I love my husband so very much but he didn’t do anything to help prepare for tomorrow and I miss having a phone call with you and you just turning up with whatever I need or just to help.

I am looking forward to their birthday but not all at the same time.

They’ve got their party at Imagine in the morning and then family popping round tomorrow afternoon, I just wish you were here.

I love you with all my heart Mum.

Write soon
Love
Me xxx

Now it’s been even longer….

Hi Mummy Darling,

So,
work is crazy

Chloe’s behaviour is terrible at the moment

The girls are going through the phase of you can ask 50 times and then we might think about doing it.

Mike and I have been trying to work out the best thing to do in September with the girls and it’s going to have to be after school club. We looked at me working less hours on more days but it means holidays will cost even more for holiday club so I’m keeping my hours as they are.
Mike insisted I keep Fridays off, he really thinks I need some down time and I also need to have violin lessons, partly for me and partly because I promised you. I will play my violin again Mum.

I have worked late most evenings last week, we have a crazy amount to do before the deadline!

We went to the Wye Downs last Saturday which was lovely, everything got a bit much on Saturday morning and I found once I started crying I couldn’t stop :-D. I’m still working out how everything is coped with when you’re not here, but I’m doing it Mum.

Even if I feel like I’m pretending some (most) of the time, I’m doing it.

I need to find time for me a bug bear you always had, but I am really trying. I desperately need to at the moment.

I need to sort out presents for the girls for their birthday and bake them their cakes. We’re going to buy a couple and make a couple :-D.

I can’t believe they are 4!

They are both still trying to get used to you being gone, Abigail was asking when you are coming back again the other day, when I said you aren’t, Madison got upset and said she didn’t get to say goodbye, heartbreaker!!

As for my eldest, I am a bit stuck on what to do, she keeps hitting people as they walk past, she’s SO rude, has the attitude of a teenager! I’ve taken stuff away, not let her go to things, she just doesn’t care.

I think it’s tiredness and maybe we are responding to the negative too much and I need to acknowledge the good more.

I don’t know Mum, I wish you were here so I could talk to you about it. I would probably not do half of what we talked about but I would listen hahaha.

I miss you with all my heart and I’m still waiting for his to get easier.

Love you so much
Lots of love
Me xxx

Sorry it’s been a while

Hi Mummy Darling,

Sorry it’s been a while this last week has been a little crazy.

The girls had their first reading session at school, which they both loved.

Chloe had a Kent sports event for which Kingsnorth came 4th out of 20 schools and Chloe got a certificate.

We had ‘meet the teachers’ evening for the girls starting school and we’ve got to decide separate or together, I really wish you were here for me to tLk to you. Everybody else hS tried to help but it’s not the same as talking to my Mum.

We’ve booked a party for the girls on their actual birthday, I thought it might make it a bit easier for me not having you here by making the day busy.

Also, work is just crazy, I have worked late a lot last week but we are 23 days behind on the project so wee just need to get it done.

I find I miss you all of the time but I can normally pretend I’m fine, this week for some reason it’s been harder to pretend. I think with the girls starting school, their birthday and Father’s Day without you has been quite a lot this week.

I did have a night with the Mums from school which was great fun, they had a few drinks, I had some sparkling water but it was still a good giggle. We were planning for the pyjama walk which we are doing in memory of you. It’s going to be emotional :-D.

I had a BBQ at Fi’s for Alice’s birthday and it all got a bit much, for the first time I cried in front of other people, and I find once I start crying I struggle to stop.

It’s still just one day at a time Mum, I miss you terribly and I still don’t feel whole without you here. Vics and I are going to contact the hospice about counselling this week. I think it will help us and Chloe, we shall see.

I love you loads
Love
Me xxx

7 weeks later

Hi Mummy Darling,

It’s been strange in the last few days, I miss you so terribly but I am trying to be me, joking, playing,laughing.

It all feels so strange to do knowing you are not here but lovely to hear my girls giggling so much, especially Chloe. She hasn’t giggled very much since you’ve been gone but we went to the woods on Saturday with one of her friends from school and she just giggled and giggled and giggled.

I still have your photo everywhere and I am starting to recognise you as you were before. I am also trying to think of memories as I know I have this way of blocking things out and I don’t want to forget everything.

From really little I was thinking about our trip to the woods where I had my hands in my pockets and I fell and broke my nose.

Vic’s’ 18th with Savoy and BBC, your 60th with terracotta warriors, your 50th, the bring and buy sale, Saturday morning breakfasts, all our phone calls, ikea visit, taking Chloe to London, Abigail wearing your glasses, birthday breakfasts/teas, the birth of all of my girls.

I’m going to keep trying to remember, at the moment your battle is a bit too raw and my main thoughts still go to your last few months.

We are still working on the garden, it looks really good though, you would be so pleased for us.

We saw the gorgeous Joshua last Saturday, he is so gorgeous and they are trying to work it out, I wish you were here to help. You helped me so much with all of mine, I feel so sad for all of my siblings that they didn’t get to enjoy that part with you.

Must go I need to get my girls ready.

Love you with all my heart
Love
Pen xxx

Omg Mum, can I call you?

To my Mummy Darling,

My sense of loss this week is overwhelming. Can I call you?

You are definitely the best person to talk to when I’m feeling this way.

Work is pretty much back to normal with work load and pressure, I’m just trying to take it all one day at a time. Pretending I’m ok seems to be the best way for me and those around me to get through each day.

People don’t know how to be with me if I’m not, so I just pretend I am.

I have made a joke a couple of times about losing you I hope you don’t mind but it raises a smile from others.

Mike is absolutely my saving grace, apart from my girls of course. He is just great whether I need a hug or a giggle. I know he’s finding it really hard as well. You were his hero.

I’ve seen Grandma today, she’s ok. I took a photo of you with me so she can have it up in her room, she was so pleased. I also took back her jumper I washed for her and of course I have stretched it :-D.

We’re starting to think about the girls’ birthday and them starting school. It’s so hard knowing you are not going to be here for either event.

I took your angel out of my handbag to find one of the wings has snapped off. I’m so sorry Mum, i’m absolutely gutted. Mike’s going to see if he can fix it for me and he says it wouldn’t be yours if it wasn’t broken. I’m just gutted it’s not how you left it anymore.

I Miss you so much but as they say life goes on, and it really does. The sun rises and sets on each day. Each day moving me further away from the last time I saw you.

I keep my candle lit for you Mum, it makes me feel like you are still a lighting my life.

I miss talking and laughing with you Mum, but I cherish all of my memories I have of you and our relationship.

Write soon x

All my love, as always
Pen xxx

Another new month

Hi Mummy Darling,

Sorry it’s been a few days, things have been crazy.

I’m trying to get used to new ‘normal’ now I’m back at work, it’s been quite tough.

On Wednesday imprinted out loads of photos and bought a new picture frame so I now have new photos all around me. I’m not trying to change everything because you’re gone just making it new.

Mike had the woman from Herbalife come and see him in the evening as Kirsty and Percy were raving about it! I’m so pleased with his results, he’s only slightly above good for everything so I’ve just told him to get out on his bike more.

I’m still just trying to do what I enjoy at work at the mo, which is making each day manageable but I’m just taking it one day at a time and getting through that day.

To be honest most of the time it just feels like I haven’t seen you for ages, will it ever become completely real that you are gone?

Thursday evening I met Jenna for coffee and dessert. She’s so fab and supportive. When we left she gave me the biggest hug and told me that I’m just amazing. I answered with you don’t have any other choice and Jen bless her responded with yes you do and you’ve chosen to be amazing. :-D. I don’t see it that way I just see it as coping.

Friday we had a really lovely day out with the Leo, Max and Jemma. We took them all to Leeds Castle, it was a really lovely day. The girls had their faces painted, you would’ve loved them, apart from that they just ran and scootered for hours.

We had the usual breakfast yesterday, which again, as with everything. Is strange without you here. I made sure Dad had all the breakfast stuff he needed, I know it’s what you would’ve done and I know that Vic’s would get annoyed at Dad so I try to avoid that :-D.

Vic’s and Richard’s garden looks amazing, I just got a bit upset about everything we are all doing. With you so unwell, everything stood still for so long and now we are getting everything done and the one person who would’ve been most excited and pleased for us all is you. I’m so sorry Mum. I’m sorry we didn’t get it all done with you’re to see it.

Vic’s has found this week really hard, I think that’s mixture of Isabelle walking, the garden being done and her seeing Sheila this week. We spent the day together yesterday, it was really lovely. I helped Vic’s with house stuff and then we took the girls to, yep you guessed it, Leeds Castle again.

There are so many places that I associate with you but we didn’t really go to Leeds Castle with you. Even though you are constantly in my thoughts, it’s not heartbreaking and overwhelming to go there. Until we are watching the jousting and they start playing Carminative Burana, that made us ink of you :-D.

Mike’s working both days this weekend, I was side swiped but the feelings of sadness and loneliness when I thought about the weekend without you. Sunday would always be lunch with you, Dad and Grandma and then you and I would either take the girls out or play games with them. I’m just finding things to do instead.

Chloe’s got jiu jitsu this morning, Nikki and her girls are coming back here afterwards for a bit and then Dad is coming over for dinner so the girls can see him before he goes away. I just need to organise for Chloe to be collected, I’m sure the amazing Jemma will help me out.

I still have a candle lit for you when I’m at home, for some reason it makes me feel like you have a presence still and that you are here with us.

The girls still all mention you at different times. Madison did a drawing for you yesterday morning and said she would give it to you when you come back because it will be nearly your birthday. Bless her heart.

Grandma’s doing ok, I do think she has gone down hill since the celebration of your life, she’s actually walking with a limp where her ankles hurting. She’s wearing her really old sandals though, so I have had her shoes re-soled and heeled so she can wear them.

Anyway Mum, I hope you are doing ok and that Gramps is looking after you.

Miss and love you so much

All my love
Pen xxx