We did it 😃

Hi Mum,

Just wanted to write and tell you that the website went live.
We are struggling with teething issues but all-in-all it looks really great.
Your lillies have started to bloom, they are beautiful, you would love them x

I’m missing you a lot this week Mum, I don’t know whether spreading your ashes have brought it to the surface, having Beth here or finishing the big stress of Atlas but I just feel a bit empty.

I keep trying Mum but I miss being happy, I know I will some time but I worry at times it’s affecting me everywhere.

Anyway, thinking of you and love you.

Love
Me x

Sorry it’s been a while

Hey Mum,

How are you?

Sorry it’s been a while, everything goes live tomorrow morning so I am just working as much as I can.

Don’t worry I hear your voice in my head asking me not to do too much but I need to just keep going for now, we are so nearly there.

Beth, Si and Imogen are here at the moment with Gerry, Nicky, Jo and Leighton, it’s lovely to spend some time with them.

We had breakfast Sat morn after the most amazing thunder storms Fri night and the girls we’re staying at the cottage for a sleep over.

I brought them all back for a sleep and then we went to Vics’ school fete. It was good fun this year, usual face painting etc and we actually had a go on the train rather than you running after it hee hee.

We spread your ashes yesterday morning Mum, it feels strange to think the last part is done, but it feels lovely to think all of you has been set free.

Dad played Eva Cassidy, Over the Rainbow which was beautiful and he read the words below…

‘When I come to the end of the road
And the sun has set for me
I want no rites in a gloom-filled room
Why cry for a soul set free?

Miss me a little but not for long
And not with your head bowed low
Remember the love that we once shared
Miss me but let me go.

For this is a journey we all must take
And each must go alone
It’s all part of the Master’s plan
A step on the road to home.

When you are lonely and sick of heart
Go to the friends we know
And bury your sorrows in doing good deeds
Miss me but let me go.’

It was really beautiful and Dad did a good job reading it out.

After that we were talking about memories, like you missing sunglasses lense when we were little, my hen do… I missed some of the others because I had a cuddle with Joshua and calmed him down 😃, check me.

A bit of Bowen might have helped :-D.

We then went on to the zoo which was lovely and good fun, I just miss you in everything Mum.

I hope you don’t mind that it’s not as all-consuming as it used to be. It still hurts and makes me feel oh so sad, but I do have times where I think of you and wander how long it has been since I last thought of you.

I promise I don’t love you any less and I miss you every moment of every day but I have some head space to think of other things as well.

This is great, I feel like I can cope with so much more again. I think deadlines at work are helping and I guess time.

Thank you Mum, thank you for being the Mum you were, thank you for being my constant emotional support (even when you had to share it with Mike 😃), thank you for all you taught me, thank you for all of your help with my beautiful girls and thank you for your goodbye, I’m so glad I was there x

Big day tomorrow Mum, go live day at 5am! I’ll let you know how it goes.

Miss you now and forever.
Love you Mum
Me xxx

Another week and it was pretty muddy

Hi Mummy darling,

How are you? I hope you are sleeping well.

We did it yesterday, rather than the normal race for life, Vics and I did the pretty muddy. A great fun assault course across 5k in Mote Park, how we laughed 😄.

We have raised about £365 for cancer research, anything to make sure somebody else may not have to go through what you went through x

I took Madison for a 1:1 with her new teacher last Friday and I’m taking her on Monday so hopefully the last reading session is going to go well…..we shall see. Her new teacher is quite young and dealing with littlies definitely doesn’t seem to come naturally but with me complaining already I’m hoping Madison will get extra attention anyway.

Work is crazy at the moment but it’s looking really good so fingers crossed we’ll be ready to go in time.

We’re on the downhill to my birthday, I really can’t imagine what it’s going to be like getting through my birthday without you….but I guess I’ll find out soon. I’m definitely happy for it to pass by quietly.

I miss you so much, a candle really doesn’t feel like enough.

I’m trying everything Mum, I’ve done fund raising, got upset, tried to convince myself everything happens for a reason, I’ve cried, laughed, worked as hard as I can on the new website and…. Still no Mum. No matter what I do you’re not there and not coming back.

I keep being told it gets easier with time, fingers crossed.

Love you loads Mum
Me xxx

Just to say….

I miss you Mum x

I still can’t believe it, is it really true?

I’m never going to see you again?

Really never?

Really?

I love you
Pen x

It’s me, Pen

Hi Mum,

I can’t believe it but I missed telling you about Chloe’s school report, unsurprisingly, it’s amazing! She’s so clever and it would appear the normality of school has been a good constant whilst everything else has been changing.

I’m doing some crazy hours at the moment, I know I would normally have you on the phone telling me you are worried and that you think I should slow down a bit 😃.

Grandma had a fall yesterday, I’m a bit worried about her. She’s very shaken and struggling to walk around but I think what I’m finding more concerning is that she’s not going downstairs. She’s staying in her room….

Vics is going to see her today and I think Dad is going to go as well. I’m going to go tonight and see her after work. She’s doing alright though Mum, I’m looking after her.

Love you Mum
I’ll write soon.
Love
Me x

It’s a beautiful day

Hi Mummy darling,

It feels like ages since I last wrote to you. There have been so many times within each day when I wish you were here for me to speak to you, if I wrote every time my blog would be full :-D.

I haven’t felt quite so angry this week which has been easier. I really missed you on the girls’ birthday which hashed me ask Mike to just let my birthday pass quietly this year, I cannot imagine what my it will be like to not have you here for it.

It’s been a crazy busy week this last week with lots if time at work, going to see Grandma 3 times, birthday parties and the twins club summer trip.

I’m going to really miss club and they have me the most lovely present, it’s a picture of scrabble pieces spelling out or names. It’s so special, not only because Mike and I play scrabble but also because that is the last game you played with day a few days before you went to sleep.

Vics and I had out first counselling session at the Hospice the other day, we are going to carry on but individually. It was an up and down session with sadness about you but happiness at memories.

We are still trying to remember you before you were ill, I’m starting to recognise you in photos now and miss how life was before you were ill, with me and the girls coming for Sunday lunch, going out together, you joining me for events……

Chloe has said that she is worried she’s starting to forget you, I must capture more memories from her.

Vics did a list a while ago which I added to…

Our mum/grandma
Kind
Loving
Best cuddles ever
Kisses
Proud
Determined
Encouraging/supportive
Brave
Stubborn – we’ve all got a piece of that
Independent – encouraging our independence
Fun
Tea tea tea and tea- boiling hot tea
Ysatis – don’t know how to spell
Feet! Her chair, her box and showing no mercy
Aloe Vera/ witch hazel/ mycota – all cures for various and ailments
Most importantly – bicarb !!!!!!!!!!
Time keeping, always an ish.
Kel’s wedding, I waited 45 mins after everyone had gone for Mum to pick me up
Singing, always the strongest voice in the church, used to be a little embarrassing when I was little but grew to love it.
Her driving! Not many people could go round junctions in 3 rd gear
Messy car – carrier bags!
Leaving her car window open
Bananas and ready salted walkers crisps
Her earrings!
Her garish dress sense
Mum on the red rowing machine in the garden room
Camping as kids
When I had nightmares she used to smack Dandees bum.
Climbing into bed with her- even though she was naked!!!!
Her smack, mums hands missed nothing!
Counting to 5…41/4, 41/2, 43/4
Making us always share our sweets
The seaside, collecting stones
Going down to Folkestone and paddling
Sunsets
Sitting on her patio
Gardening
Mum in her kitchen at 256, radio on and eating a strange concoction on ryvita with a cup of tea
Mums amazing roast dinners, especially the spuds
Liver and bacon
Laughing
Crying – as a child
Laughing at mums crying because it was so loud and sounded like she was laughing! Sorry mum
Her shawls, how they used to smell of outside, giving her a cuddle late at night when she got home and they would still be cold.
Keys!
Clumsiness- something we’ve all got in our own ways
Drying my school
Uniform under the grill, especially socks!
Letting the Irish boys drive the Cherokee jeep
Brushing my hair for school/pulling my hair out for school
Being poorly- this drink needs to be gone by…
Always a theory
Watching people walk
Loved the sun
Loved the views and loved kent
Loved her children and grand children with all her heart
Being a constant support for me with my beautiful children

Your last words were how much you love your 4 children, we love you too Mum.

I love and miss you so much Mum. I was talking to Mike this week about my most recent thoughts.

It’s really strange what you go through but I feel like I have lost the one person who would always love me unconditionally no matter what.

I know others love me but I can do things wrong and upset them. Not that you and I ever fell out in my adulthood but even if we did you would love me no matter what.

I just hope I can be half the Mum you were and earn the relationship with my girls that I had with you.

Love you Mum
Love
Me xxx

I have to keep going

Hi Mum,

How are you? Are you missing being with us? We certainly miss you being here.

I needed to write and say I’m sorry. I’m sorry I feel so angry at the moment, angry with you for not being here and angry with the world for taking you.

I am trying to work out who I am without you.

Have the self-assurance to know I’m ok and making he right decisions without you here to make it ok for me or just confirm to me it’s right.

Vics and I went to the Hospice yesterday and spoke to the counsellor. I feel so mixed about it, I know it helped me before but it doesn’t matter how many people I speak to you aren’t coming back!

The girls’ birthday went well, it was very busy. They loved their party and playing in the afternoon, the changes we have made in the garden make a real difference :-D.

They love their supermarket we got for them, they are always up in their room now playing with it together, which is lovely.

I miss you so much Mum, is it true? Do I really have to do the rest of my life without you? It feels like that is too big to consume. How on earth do I come to terms with that?

We love you so very much
Love
Me xxx